“How best do I refer to the system? Like, they/them, plural “you” like “y’all” do I only speak to the person fronting? Is there a way to politely ask this if it does differ on a person to person basis?” -Dylan
Hey Dylan!
If I’m understanding your question right, you’re asking for how to find out pronouns etc., and wanting to make sure you don’t offend the system while doing it. Basically asking “Hey, what are your preferred pronouns if you don’t mind me asking” but making sure this works for plurality.
Basically, long story short is, it’ll be different for every system. The reason why is a bit trickier to explain, and I’ll use the queer spectrum as an example, since I am queer. Our community has been continuously under fire which strengthened our bonds over decades, and through all of this, agreed upon practices such as asking for pronouns were put in place. I have not found any larger scale community for plurality that is also active and accepting members, and larger than perhaps a group of friends that grows to maybe 20 members. If they exist, I have not been able to find them in the seven or so years that I’ve known we were a system.
So after that explanation, yes I’d say it’ll be different from system to system, and maybe even different person to person within the same system. Everything from here on will only be relating to my system, and keep in mind every system is different. The main reason why some of my headmates can be touchier about this is because not all of us identify with the same pronouns. Some of us hold front so solidly that we use I/me when talking about ourselves, while others will always use us/we when we are talking about ourselves. For us, if you’re only talking to one person, it’s safe if you just use the headmate’s pronoun. If you’re talking about the system in general, or referring to a time that you don’t remember who was in front for the conversation, using y’all, although distinctly southernish, is comfortable to us.
As far as asking politely if it differs from person to person, I recommend asking the system in question if they prefer to have their system referred to a specific way (some use they/them all the time) or if each person prefers their own. Once you have that answer, you can ask each headmate separately if necessary, or some systems will have an archive they can pull up that has separate preferences. Until plurality is more generally accepted by the public, this may be the most direct but still respectful way to do it. I think the more systems you ask, the more varying answers you will get, so I’d love it if any system reading has input, you all can either respond to this post or write in.
Ask About Plurality 