Language Learning by Spectra|blendy

Hey you lovely systems/houses, and singlet folks. This post isn’t going to be the standard answering-a-question post, but more of one to give all you readers a bit of insight into what our life looks like. If you want plurality questions answered though, please email us at askaboutplurality[at]gmail.com, seeing as we no longer have a backlog of questions. ❤

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Reading was one of our escapes as a child, and one of our singular most influential books of our childhood was The Neverending Story. It heavily influenced our internal workings of our system, and how we experience things within our headspace. We hope to be able to come back to this in a later blog post to explore further as we re-experience the story as a system nowadays. We’ll put a link here retroactively if we do, so if it’s not here, you don’t need to worry about looking for it. ❤

We met one of our longest lasting friends, Flora, through an online game. We ended up helping them to gain their independence and be able to think for themselves, and also helped them to fine-tune their English, since it was their second language. Their native language was German, and later we found out they had taught themselves English through gaming online on various MMOs. We all grew to be close friends despite the distance and shared a love of The Neverending Story, as they were also familiar with the German original: „Die Unendliche Geschichte‟.

About ten years ago we dated a European whom we also met through MMOs, and eventually we were engaged to him. He was also multilingual and knew German fluently. After Flora was told about the engagement, they offered to assist us in learning German. A few of our members were already heads over heels for Flora anyway, and we jumped at the chance to be closer to both people. It proved way too difficult, but over the following 6 years we attempted to learn German a few other times. Nearly every time was with Flora’s help and involvement, the only exception being when we attempted to learn by ourselves one time in the hopes that we could surprise Flora with our progress.

Fast forward to our current wonderful relationship with Dryad. Without once mentioning that we wanted to own a physical copy of it, she gave us „Die Unendliche Geschichte‟ as a surprise birthday present from her on our very first birthday together. Not only did Dryad remember we preferred hardcover and remembered how important the book was to us, but she also went of her way to make sure it was a German-printed one old enough to have the old-book smell. (She literally imported it from a German book store. The book was printed in 2001 and in incredible condition with the dust cover in near-mint condition.) It made Bee feel incredibly seen within the system as an individual. The love and security it represented stuck with us and fueled another language learning attempt. We later offered to read The Neverending Story to Dryad over time so she can understand how important this book is to our system. At first, we attempted to translate it while also reading our English copy. The book was far above our ability in German, so that project unfortunately got put to the side.

We spent a lot of time on Duolingo in the hopes that we could get to read „Die Unendliche Geschichte‟ eventually. Duolingo is very good at teaching vocabulary, but lacks the depth to teach the whole of language learning due to not being interactive enough for our learning style. After many starts and stops with Duolingo, we were checking a translation and we stumbled upon the DeepL translator, which is free AI program based off of deep learning. This means that it will translate curses and colloquialisms as well, making the language suddenly way more accessible to us. This gave us the German-on-hand we needed, and we started using it to read German memes. In addition to having access to German dubs on Netflix and Disney+, this kept us engaged enough to make slower but steadier progress over about a year.

Eventually we learned just enough that we started realizing there was a freedom in German. Up until this point, all of the internalized abuse that still cycles and rings in our head to this day is still all in English. Up until this point, all of our inner space is in language that was used to wear us thin from the inside out as if it was acid. In contrast, German seemed to be a freeing, clean slate of a language to jump into and exist within. One whose grammar follows its own rules so long as the word is Germanic (we can live easily with that compromise, given how messy English is), and whose country will opt to refine and change their language, so as to drop old rules that are no longer applicable. Aside from this and more importantly, a logical result of not knowing German in our formative years is we never had German used in any abusive manner towards us. We became enamored with the chance to have a language to think in that was not made of the same building blocks as our trauma.

We shared this revelation with Flora, and together we ended up reading through the first few pages of „Die Unendliche Geschichte‟, learning a lot in a short period of time. Unfortunately, circumstances got incredibly busy for both us and them, and we weren’t able to go back to it once that conversation was over. Helping each other through life was so much more important than language learning, and life was being nasty to both them and us. Instead, we kept putting on German dubs in the background to continue having the language exposure.

One of the times we started looking into learning German again, we discovered that DeepL had come out with a stand-alone Windows app. Not only did we not have to open our browser to get a translation, it also became interactive in a way. The new stand-alone app had the ability to, with an easy keyboard shortcut, take a highlighted text and change it in real time in a text entry field to the other language’s translation, We realized we could use this to translate articles and books easier, but also realized that we could learn to type in German better.

We looked up how to use the QWERTZ keyboard through windows shortcut keys and settings, while keeping it visible on screen when typing in German. We tried to learn this before when we had put stickers on our prior laptop’s keyboard, but they got all messy and did nothing to help with touch typing, as we had to move our hands to see the key’s locations anyway. Our current method was much better, allowing us to touch type.

Last week, we opened the DeepL app and started typing line by line from „Die Unendliche Geschichte‟ into it. Flora’s prior help and our prior learning helped us follow everything and start to retain the language. The next day, we went back and re-read the pages we translated the day before, but this time we didn’t stop to return to English. By the end of that day’s practice, we started being able to glance at the book and skim to find our place. The feeling of a new language carving out its place in our headspace gave us an intense tangible ASMR reaction with each new revelation.

On top of our new ASMR response, we compared the first half-chapter of DeepL’s translation to Ralph Manheim’s translation of the The Neverending Story and started seeing that there were shades of meaning that got lost, simply because Manheim didn’t end up using such vivid hyperbolic descriptions in his translation as often as they appeared in the native text. Fantastica was even shinier than we knew, and at that moment we knew this book would be our German textbook, in combination with DeepL.

Now, we are reading out loud from the physical copy of „Die Unendliche Geschichte‟, line by line while attempting to translate it for ourselves as we read it. Usually, we end up in an internal discussion, with some lines we read taking 15 minutes for us to mull over. This helps us with pronunciation, listening comprehension, and it allows us to get used to the feel of the language in general. If Dryad is around, we also verbalize the English interpretation for her.

We know we are still too early on in our language learning to trust our own translation, as most of it is still mostly leaps of logic. We still worry about learning something and having to unlearn it later, and will continually be worried about that until we get a wide base of vocabulary. To help keep our learning accurate, we type each line in DeepL translator. Each translation helps us to hone our understanding better than if we tried to put together the translation ourselves. In addition, the act of typing also helps us practice our QWERTZ keyboard proficiency and will eventually raise our WPM when typing in German.

All in all, it’s a culmination of a lot of dusting ourselves off repeatedly, And picking each other up. And admitting we can take things slowly and still progress. All of this is absolutely a group effort, internal and external. On this note, thank you to our fiance, Dryad, for reviewing this post. Usually we only proofread our own, but this was far too important and we trust her expertise as it falls under the purview of her current work as well.

Thank you all for reading.

🐝🦋🌊🌫🖋🐸🌺🌟⛈✨

Still around by Spectra|[blendy]

Hi everyone! Just checking in with a post since it’s been a year since we started this blog. For those who are new, we happen to have DID (Dissociative Identity Disorder) and have a pretty happy healthy life overall as a group of people in one body. There are some good disclaimers in the first intro post we wrote, so please take a look at that as well. For those who have been around from the beginning, we’re pretty surprised we still have this up after a year, but VERY happy. Our life is going well in general, about to get married in June, and have several partners from two systems overall.

We started this project a year ago and haven’t gotten a lot of questions over the past year, but many blogs start slow, and every person and system we help is still someone we’ve helped. We’re still trying to keep this going and we’re still here to answer questions! They just started coming in slower and life picked up and got hectic! If any people, beings, or systems have any questions for us (or one of us,) use the Contact form, or email us directly at askaboutplurality [at] gmail.com if you’re uncomfortable with your question being public.

Front and Amnesia by Spectra|Bee

“So is there always just one someone “fronting” at a time?” -Dylan

“Do you or others get amnesia when switching like in the movies? Or is that just a Hollywood myth?” -Dylan

Hey Dylan!

Thanks for your questions, as always. These two areas actually pretty interconnected, so we’ll answer them together.

There is supposed to be at least one person fronting at all times in my system, however we’re built to handle up to maybe 3 at a time since we blend a bit. When we blend and share front, we all experience input from front. For instance, when one person is listening to Spotify, someone else may be handling the computer. Our memories separately follow what we were individually doing at the time, but since we are all in the same body, it’s pretty close to the experience of being two different people in different bodies but experiencing the same situation together. We’ll often remember what the other person was doing if we were in front together. The only problem that comes in is when something hits a trigger memory for us is when we’re thrown from our driver’s seat/front. It’s hard to get back to the microphone and talk or get back to the controls to move the body at that point. Major trauma triggers can do this to us, and thankfully we have a support system that understands how to quickly get us back to front in most cases.

At this point, you may have started to see where we’re going with answering your amnesia question and why it’s related. Amnesia versus shared memories is something that, in my system, is a slider bar depending on how much i’m interacting with them internally. There are some headmates that I simply never have contact with. I literally never cross paths with them. It’s like a neighbor I’ve never met, but I may have seen them once? Maybe twice? Maybe I have an idea that their car belongs to the apartment building? Glimmer and Lime are examples of headmates that I don’t necessarily live with. I have amnesia any time they are in front, and I get cloudy memory if they have been paying attention to front. There are others that live with me internally, apartment style. Closer to family or sisters living in one place and all knowing what’s going on. Yeah sometimes we won’t remember to mention things to each other, but we try to keep communication as open as we can like any respectful family. Having this many people to one headspace can get complicated and communication and mutual understanding is the only way we have found to quiet our head down and simplify our day to day life. I’ve also known systems that have 100% amnesia, since they have NO internal communication. I’ve heard leaving notes on a cell phone or physical notepad helps systems that are built this way.

So yeah all in all, some systems are designed as a one-person front, some are modular-front, there are systems that do get full amnesia, and there are times that my system happens to experience amnesia. To answer your direct question though, in my experience, the typical confusion-inducing amnesia episodes are not NEARLY as prevalent as media has portrayed it. 🐝

How to support a system by Spectra|Bee

“How can family members, friends, and mental health professionals best support and help someone with DID?”  -My therapist

My therapist, folks. Asking the hard questions right out of the gate. Have I mentioned that we love our therapist? I wish this was an easy question to answer, but it’s just as hard to answer as it would be if depression were replacing DID in the question. Well, I suppose it’s not as hard since depression has started being accepted as legitimate, and people are no longer being shunned by the majority for taking medicine to help with it. Plurality isn’t something to medicate away, in my experience. It hasn’t been something to medicate away in any of my friends’ systems either. Plurality is ridiculously weird, but it has been so much easier to handle once we started learning more about ourselves in a non-judgmental way and talking with other systems. The most important thing we’ve learned is my system can experience one thin ten times, in ten different ways. Another system can experience that same thing in maybe 100 different ways. Every single way is right. There’s no wrong way to be plural, and you are the authority on your own experiences.

This is really important for mental health professionals to remember. You may have been taught what has been studied about DID/MPD(Dissociative Identity Disorder or Multiple Personality Disorder) in the shiny DSM IV, but our disorder honestly hasn’t been studied from the right side in my opinion, and in most plural peoples’ opinions. Many systems don’t refer to this as a disorder for a really simple to understand reason. Their lives are not disordered as a result of being plural. Not every system was born of trauma. If the system in your care tells you they have no memory of trauma, so they conclude they have to be naturally occurring, believe them. Give your patients the benefit of the doubt. Your patients are experiencing what they’re saying, and it’s at least overwhelming. They need validation. Their experiences are their reality.

This reminds me to bring up another really important point that is a bit of a hot button in the multiplicity community. Some systems that exist were born of trauma. Dissociation is one of the base natural instincts to protect a brain from trauma, and one of the earliest instincts to kick in. I have three major points on this topic. 1. If a system is born from trauma, their dissociation probably saved their life. 2. If a system is born of trauma and denies it even if given proof, forcing them to re-associate with and remember their trauma is re-traumatizing them, and can do further damage. 3. A system can naturally form without trauma.

For any mental health pros that try to tell plural patients that being a natural system is impossible, I have a few points to consider: 1. You are not experiencing what they are. You have no empirical way to disprove their experience. 2. Research claims that trauma needs to be before age 4 to cause DID – this isn’t an easy age to remember to start with, and if a system has locked away the memories using dissociation, it’s unlikely to actually recover anything reliable. 3. WHY DOES IT MATTER? If your patient does not remember trauma, just treat it with the same skepticism that you would if a patient who was depressed said they don’t remember trauma. Not every depressed person has a cause or trigger. Human brains are weird, and there are so many pathways for the brain to build. Trauma is not the only way to tinker with it. Unless your patient is concerned that they may have been traumatized and they WANT to look into it, believe them.

Best course of action #1: Believe your patients and get to know their system members if you’re allowed to. If you go into therapy or care with a patient and actually believe them, you will not only gain your patients’ trust (if you are genuine), but you will also learn a lot about how a plural brain can exist. Every single one is different, and some systems shift and change over time as well. The needs of a system are always changing, the same as the needs of an individual is always changing.

Best course of action #2: Always let the system determine how they want to handle their therapy. Some systems may want to integrate (not all will, and not all can), some want better communication, and some just need a system mediator. Or maybe they’re coming to you for help with other issues and don’t even want you to focus on their plurality. Let them decide the direction, as it should always be with mental health journeys.

Best course of action #3: If you’ve been introduced to more than one system member, ask about preferences. Ask the system if you can take notes. For example, if there is a preferred way the system likes to be addressed/thought of, what name they go by, etc. Some systems agree on a set name, some systems have 15 different names. Some systems prefer they/them as a plural pronoun, some prefer separate he/him, she/her, xe/xir etc. Systems that prefer separate pronouns will likely have some system in place to help their friends know who is out. Personally, we use emoji to identify who is talking with our therapist (text based).

Plurality as a whole should be studied, but it has to be done from the perspective of the system’s side. If you’re going to understand how a country works, you probably want to talk to the citizens, right? Well, that’s what we are, and we all have a perspective on how life is in Spectra. We discuss it whenever the topic comes up with my therapist, and it’s as natural as a group chat. Some systems won’t want it to be that open, but it’s what I prefer.

So, TLDR? Ask the system in question personally. 🐝

Dreams by Spectra|Bee

Hello again! I was just wondering if your headmates have their own dreams when the physical body is asleep!! Like can one headmate be dreaming only to switch to another?? (I’ve personally had this happen more recently and I’ve had it happen several times before, but sometimes I’m not 100% sure if it was pure switching or if I was dreaming and then dream me just started acting like a headmate/ declaring that they weren’t the host.) Thank you so much!!  -Jess
 
Hey again Jess!
 
This is an interesting topic, and I’m willing to bet you’ll get a different answer with not only each system you ask, but likely each headmate. When Cobalt was main front, she would have likely answered that dreaming didn’t seem to be affected. At the time, she would have believed it, and that was her experience. Not sure if she would still say this, since I haven’t checked in with her in a bit. Maybe I can talk her into responding to you as well!
 
What I can tell you now that I’m main front, is even when Cobalt was in front when falling asleep and ended up dreaming, each of us have had our own dreams and such as well that she apparently was not aware of. There’s a group of us that seem to dream together, and the others seem to dream by themselves. My dream group consists of myself, Ruby, Lav, and sometimes Meadow. We have at least two external people we often see on the dream side of things as well, so that place is a bit weird to begin with. 
 
On a you-didn’t-ask-but-i’ll-share-since-it’s-on-topic note, my partner system has noticed quite a bit about us when we’re sleeping. One major thing to note is that our body temperature changes dramatically while we are sleeping, and it has ended up following a pattern of who was in front. Cobalt, Meadow, and possibly Cerulean are furnaces in the night, while Ruby is much cooler to the touch if they’re sleeping. Meadow also tends to sleep on her stomach and take up the entire bed if allowed. There are at least two people who snore, but most of us don’t, and at least one person has a habit of sleeping with our mouth open so when we wake up, our mouth is all dry. We also don’t always end up staying in front when we sleep. We flip all around from person to person some nights, and other nights I’ll stay locked in place.
 
I ended up started in on another tangent, but I’ve realized I’m answering a different question, so I’ll leave that to its own post. 🐝

Who’s on front? by Spectra|Bee

“Is there a polite way to ask who is fronting?” -Dylan

Hey Dylan!

As a system, it’s so nice to have this sort of thing acknowledged. To start off with, I should say that we haven’t heard of a system ever being upset at someone asking who is in front at the moment, unless they are in mixed company or public. You’ll want to ask how to ask each system because as you and anyone else who reads this will eventually get tired of hearing: Every system is different.

Online, we have chosen to hold separate accounts for us when possible, so typically communication is easier for us online than in person. In places where we can be open about plurality but only hold one account for the system, we will typically either tag with House|Name like we do here, or we use specific emoji for each of our system members when we’re typing faster. To explain the concept of “House|Name”, the house represents a name that all of us have agreed to as our whole group’s name. My system’s house name is Spectra, and my personal name is Bee, therefore I tag my posts on here as Spectra|Bee, or I would use a bee emoji.

In person, we have other indicators separate from how our face looks, our word choices, and the timbre of our voice, such as how we wear our hair, how we wear our glasses, which jewelry is worn, etc. We are currently looking into having a piece of jewelry that we can change the color of with the press of a button, or that can be switched around easily. Otherwise, since my system all agreed on our colors, friends of ours in person can also ask “Color?” and even in mixed company we have a code that we can reply back with. Each system will have their own methods in place. If you are friends with a system and you ask them if they have a way they prefer to be asked, especially in mixed company, I can probably assure you they will appreciate being asked directly.

Any systems out there have a different method than what we use and wanna share? Please feel free to comment. 🐝

Addressing a plural system by Spectra|Bee

“How best do I refer to the system? Like, they/them, plural “you” like “y’all” do I only speak to the person fronting? Is there a way to politely ask this if it does differ on a person to person basis?” -Dylan

Hey Dylan!

If I’m understanding your question right, you’re asking for how to find out pronouns etc., and wanting to make sure you don’t offend the system while doing it. Basically asking “Hey, what are your preferred pronouns if you don’t mind me asking” but making sure this works for plurality.

Basically, long story short is, it’ll be different for every system. The reason why is a bit trickier to explain, and I’ll use the queer spectrum as an example, since I am queer. Our community has been continuously under fire which strengthened our bonds over decades, and through all of this, agreed upon practices such as asking for pronouns were put in place. I have not found any larger scale community for plurality that is also active and accepting members, and larger than perhaps a group of friends that grows to maybe 20 members. If they exist, I have not been able to find them in the seven or so years that I’ve known we were a system.

So after that explanation, yes I’d say it’ll be different from system to system, and maybe even different person to person within the same system. Everything from here on will only be relating to my system, and keep in mind every system is different. The main reason why some of my headmates can be touchier about this is because not all of us identify with the same pronouns. Some of us hold front so solidly that we use I/me when talking about ourselves, while others will always use us/we when we are talking about ourselves. For us, if you’re only talking to one person, it’s safe if you just use the headmate’s pronoun. If you’re talking about the system in general, or referring to a time that you don’t remember who was in front for the conversation, using y’all, although distinctly southernish, is comfortable to us.

As far as asking politely if it differs from person to person, I recommend asking the system in question if they prefer to have their system referred to a specific way (some use they/them all the time) or if each person prefers their own. Once you have that answer, you can ask each headmate separately if necessary, or some systems will have an archive they can pull up that has separate preferences. Until plurality is more generally accepted by the public, this may be the most direct but still respectful way to do it. I think the more systems you ask, the more varying answers you will get, so I’d love it if any system reading has input, you all can either respond to this post or write in.

Group Effort and Fragments by Spectra|Bee

Hi!! I was just wondering about alters that share headspace or are in groups? Is that normal? I have many that group together and form bonds/work together. I also have fragments that kind of come together sometimes to feel like a full alter. Is this possible? I’m also just curious about fragments in general! (I really like your website thank you for allowing me to ask questions!) -Jess

Hi Jess!

Before I get to chatting about everything, I’d really like to thank you for writing to me. It means so much to have an opportunity to help another system. This is why one of the main reasons I started this blog! All I can really give you concrete answers for will be what my system is like, so please remember that every system is different, and some systems will have wildly different experiences. Not every plant grows the same, for the systems that grew naturally. Not every bowl breaks the same, for the systems that formed from trauma. Not every blank blanks the same, for the systems in-between or that formed from completely different circumstances.

We use different terminology in our system than you do, so I’ll just let you know what our terms are, for clarity’s sake. For us, we felt the term headmate fit us better than the word alter, since we try to treat each other like roommates living together. It seemed to imply mutual respect rather than implying one person is more central than the rest. We have plenty of headmates who have seemed to be grouped together. Our strongest example of this would probably be Bee, Lav, and Cerulean, who are siblings. We have groups who seem to get along internally and handle thinking through issues together, and we also have groups that hold front together seamlessly.

My only personal experience with fragments would be with Ember, Lime, and Glimmer. We only know that Ember and Glimmer do exist, but we can’t seem to get any information from them whatsoever. I get the distinct feeling that if I were to be able to form a connection to one of them, we’d find out they have a completely formed and distinct mind. So rather than being a headmate, I suppose they’re a… I don’t know, a mental neighbor? I just know they’re there really. We also have been wondering if Ember and Lime may be the same person from different parts of our life. I suppose if we ever make contact, we can ask them!

You also asked if it was possible for a group of fragments to come together to feel like a full alter. The brain is a strange and resilient thing, and it sounds like your system works a little differently than mine. I tend to think of things in a coding manner. It sounds like the way your system is built, you probably benefit from being highly adaptable due to all your movable fragments (and how well they seem to work together). Personally, I think y’all could teach us a lot about fragments, seeing as you have personal experience with them! As far as my experience with our headmates working together, I’d think it would be really weird if we didn’t. We all live in the same place and in the same body. I personally feel it would be really rude if we didn’t help when we can (and I know not all of us work in the same headspace together, so the “when we can” really does mean that.)

No one in my system has reached out to the plural community as a whole, but what I have found out from my seven or eight years of being aware that I’m part of a system is that there is no research being done into plurality/multiplicity other than from a medical standpoint of “How to I make this physically one-bodied person into a one-minded person.” That’s another topic deserving of its own post, though. What it comes down to is we have to learn from each other. Please feel free to send in questions whenever you feel, and if you would like to chat outside the blog, email me at askaboutplurality@gmail.com

 

Discovery by Spectra|Bee

“What happens when a new being among your system is discovered / reveals themselves?” -Mily

This has happened a few times to us so far, and there is at least one thing that is in common between each time. We have only really discovered new members after heavy unlocks. This is when a previously locked away memory surfaces. Typically when an unlock happens, all the associated emotions suddenly pour out with it. Both my system and my partner system get these, and the first thing to do after an unlock is to try to get the affected system grounded and in control again. We’ve all gotten decent at handling them, and we can usually move past them after a short time. Other times, there’s a feeling of numbness inside that moves around, almost like a shadow. The best way I can describe it is imagine the feeling of numbing cream on your skin, and that’s the sort of “This doesn’t feel like me” feeling that comes with meeting or even just feeling someone new internally for the first time.

We try to give that unknown feeling space until it either subsides and quiets down, or it forms somehow. What’s interesting is, sometimes once we meet the person who comes forward, it’s like the proof had been there the entire time that they existed. For instance, odd choices that no one in the system could explain at the time or even afterwards, the newly introduced member ended up explaining with very simple reasons. The example that comes to mind is our reason for being terrified of the dentist. No one had any memory of a traumatic experience there, and it’s not like the dentist is inherently more painful than any other doctor. Regardless, our entire system has a deep seated terror of dentist visits. The cause of the unlock this time was just as innocuous as usual (unlocks are usually triggered by the most usual, mundane things). This time it was the taste of cherry, but the same flavor used in children’s flouride treatment at dentists in the 80’s and 90’s. The unlock didn’t happen to have anything clear associated with it, and it got shut down in a normal timeframe.

Not long after this unlock, we kept getting that internal “I don’t know this, this is alien to me” feeling. Starlight had made herself known within about a week after. It turns out that Starlight had the experience of having a tooth extracted while awake when we were around 5 years old. Too young for dentists to believe that we could still feel the pain (redundant nerves, apparently), and the dentists did not have the foresight to cover a young child’s eyes. The terror of the traumatic dentist experience still stayed with us despite our brain dissociating the memory from most of us. So I feel this went completely off topic, but at the same time sometimes this is exactly what happens when a system member is discovered or reveals themself. Really, every instance a new system member is found is its own experience, so it’s hard to give a “This is what you can expect” style of answer. And as always, every system is different, and every system member within a system is different. Plurality is weird.

Ethics in Plurality, by Spectra|Bee

For my first question to answer on here, I didn’t want to just wait for someone to search up my blog out of the blue, so I asked a friend of mine, Mily, if she had any questions for us regarding plurality. Mily has known myself and my partner system for the length of our relationship, and I didn’t know if she would have any questions for us that she hadn’t already asked. We happened to discuss our plurality with her a while ago when we were chatting in an emotional support channel on a shared discord, but the topic never really got discussed at length there. So at this point, it was common knowledge to Mily that I was the main fronter in my system, and that my fiance was a plural system as well.

“How do you identify which relation is strong or less strong between two people from two different systems?”  -Mily

“Do you mean how would I compare my connection to Sky versus Lav’s connection to Shamrock?”  -Bee

“Yeah, pretty much”  -Mily

I had actually never been asked this before, in all of my times of opening up to someone about having plurality, and I’ve been fairly open about this to friends (and select family members). I suppose this is such a weird question for me because I never really thought about this actively until the question was asked. When I repeated the question to Sky for help in trying to think it through, we ended up interpreting “strong” to mean which relationship is given more importance when there are two systems that have two completely separate relationships. I think the question was a bit uncomfortable specifically for me because it kind of called to attention that as our systems go, I’m in a place of privilege, having 80-90% of the time in front, and being able to kind of drive our decisions. That sort of ability can be used as power, so it begs the question of “How do you make sure you’re being a good person in relation to being plural? How fair are you to your headmates?”

RomanticRelationships

We’ve been asked about the separate relationships before so I might as well start there. This chart was made to show how relationships can work between two systems. There are other systems we know who also have multiple inter-system relationships and I’m willing to bet their charts will vary wildly from ours. But that’s a completely separate topic from the topic at hand. My relationship with Sky is usually placed first on a scale of importance because we are the main fronters, handling the stress of most of our live’s responsibilities. Lav and Shamrock obviously are not less important, but they find ways to see each other anyway. They would ask if they needed more time, and if I felt they were taking too much time, I would mention it to Lav for us all to talk about. Everyone has seemed to keep a balance so far that nothing has really had to be corrected so far. That I know of. As a system you have to keep some conversations private, so it’s possible that Lav has talked to Shamrock without me knowing, but they are married so you’d expect them to have their secrets.

I do try to keep track of how long it has been since a member of one system has seen a member of the other, and I also try to keep tabs with everyone internally as well. Sometimes I take time to just sit and look at Sky so each of my headmates has an opportunity to look in and see for themselves how Sky and her system are doing. I also just like looking at her, so that’s a win for me anyway, but more importantly I’m trying to make sure if someone needs to say anything internally, I’m personally taking time to listen. We try to be fair to each other internally as if we were roommates in a house rather than headmates in a head, and it’s like their system is just the house next door. I suppose the politics works the same as if we were separate people in those hypothetical houses, just that time in front is a finite resource, and should be balanced and rebalanced as needed by everyone. The topic definitely comes up internally, but it’s always a changing dialog, just like any house.

When you have more than one relationship going on in a house, you’ve got to make sure everyone has their time, space, and privacy. I’m pretty much always okay with my headmates taking time in front unless I have very specific plans with Sky or someone else. So I suppose the answer to “How can I be a ‘Good Person(r)’ to my headmate” is just taking the time to listen to them and keep communication open, whether it’s internal communication like we have or external by way of physical messages, emails, etc. Pretty much the same as you would for any friend, but you’re a bit more connected than that when you share a body.